Being emotionally intelligent or smart with our emotions and make wise decisions requires us to distinguish between reacting and responding to emotions like anger and sadness. Whether at home, school, or workplace, it is important to know that we have a choice between the two. In this blog, I explain and provide examples of the difference between the two words.
Reaction vs Response
The difference between our reaction and a response to our emotions lies in how we perceive and handle them. Let's look at the two words and what they mean.
Reaction: A reaction to an emotion is often instinctive, impulsive and immediate. It's our initial, automatic 'response' to a stimulus or situation that triggers our emotional response. Reactions can be quick, sometimes happening without much thought or consideration. They are often driven by our subconscious mind and can be influenced by past experiences, conditioning, or survival instincts.
Subconsciously, we use psychological strategy to cope with a difficult or stressful situation), also known as a 'defense mechanism'. The following is a list of mechanisms that are often used:
- Denial: Refusing to accept reality or the truth of a situation as a way to avoid dealing with painful emotions or circumstances.
- Projection: Attributing one's own unacceptable thoughts, feelings, or traits to others instead of acknowledging them in oneself.
- Rationalization: Creating logical explanations or justifications for behaviors, thoughts, or feelings that are otherwise unacceptable or anxiety-provoking.
- Displacement: Redirecting one's emotions or impulses from an unacceptable target to a more acceptable or less threatening one.
- Regression: Reverting to behaviors or coping mechanisms from an earlier stage of development, often in response to stressful situations.
- Repression: Unconsciously blocking out or pushing away thoughts, feelings, or memories that are too painful or distressing to consciously acknowledge.
- Sublimation: Channeling unacceptable impulses or emotions into socially acceptable activities or outlets, such as art, sports, or volunteer work.
- Intellectualization: Focusing on abstract or intellectual aspects of a situation rather than acknowledging and addressing the emotional or personal significance.
- Undoing: Engaging in behaviors or rituals to try to "undo" or counteract unacceptable thoughts, feelings, or actions.
- Avoidance: Avoiding situations, people, or thoughts that trigger anxiety, discomfort, or distress.
- Compensation: Overemphasizing or overachieving in one area to make up for perceived deficiencies or shortcomings in another area.
- Fantasy: Escaping from reality by retreating into an imagined world or idealized version of oneself or the situation.
To illustrate a survival instinct case: Imagine you are alone in a forest and you come across a bear. What would you do? Your first instinct/impulse is to run away, right? Right. Why? Because your brain has calculated several key factors that make it a life or death situation. Precisely that: a) the bear is much bigger than you; b) the bear is more ferocious than you; and 3) the bear can kill you. All of these factors make you feel threatened and in danger. So, instinctively you run for cover...and think you can outsmart a bear, even though you will more likely become his lunch or slowly die a torturous death because it can outrun you in a matter of seconds and strike a deadly blow with its paws.
On the other hand, a response is different.
Response: A response to emotions, on the other hand, involves a more deliberate and conscious process. It typically involves awareness, reflection, and choice. When we respond to our emotions, we take the time to understand what we're feeling, why we're feeling it, where we are feeling it, and how we want to act in response. Responses are more intentional and may involve considering the consequences of our actions or finding healthier ways to cope with our emotions.
Back to the bear situation: how can you respond to the bear so that you can make it out alive?
First and foremost, we have to have knowledge of bear behavior, including different types of bears. Black bears and grizzly bears have different behaviors and responses. So depending on the situation, you can respond by staying calm, backing away slowly, making yourself big, playing dead (protect neck with hands), using bear spray or fighting back with whatever tools are in your possession (rocks, branches, etc.).
Like bears, our response to an emotion depends on the situation. If the situation for example at work requires us to be calm during a long, never ending discussion, we can bring awareness to the emotion by subtly verbalizing in our heads that we are feeling a certain way (i.e. this person is making me feel angry right now), then reflecting on the why of our anger (i.e. they do not understand what I am saying) and then choosing what to do-we can imagine another solution (i.e. maybe the person does not understand what I meant by this, so let me try saying it in another way but in a calm manner)-or let me focus on my breathing by slowing it down, or pressing my pinky finger with my thumb) and excusing myself from the situation (or ask to reschedule/come back to it when you are calm).
We should always aim to be calm and solution oriented in our response to an emotional situation so that we can try to get proper closure. Closure is essential to our healing. Without closure, our brains will ruminate endlessly on the issue to the point of mental fatigue, including making us more angry, resentful, and even depressed.
In summary, reactions are automatic and instinctive, while responses are conscious and intentional. While we may not always have control over our initial reactions to emotions, we can choose how we respond to them by practicing self-awareness, emotional regulation, and mindfulness